The Little Thoughts of a Little Bean

I guess it is a good day to write. I have chores, but even more than that I have laments and I need to find somewhere where I can organize how I feel. It's hard waking up from a succession of nightmares - it makes the whole day just so emotional. 1. I've mellowed so much with age. I think I've always valued being organized and having plans, but I LOVED being spontaneous just a few years ago. I'd jump up, infect with enthusiasm and GO, and that's how it always was. Whether it was just a dinner with friends or a trip to the beach, I'd always find a way to spice it up. Now I sit at home waiting for my man to return, craving stability yet wanting disorder. I must be confused. It's quarter life crisis after crisis. But you know, back then I wished that I had better impulse control, and I still do, but perhaps I've overdone it. I now feel uncomfortable when things don't go according to plan, and I plan and plan and plan. I see the value in it, I just wish I was a bit more spontaneous. I shall try hard when Ivan comes back. I miss being young, I really do. I miss the things I did when I was young.. but I don't miss being the crazy person I was when I was young. Perhaps I really was bipolar, and now that the dust has settled, I'm just a worrywart. BOO!!! Can't ever have the best of both worlds. I need to find a balance, identify what it is that I want from that time, and try to integrate it into today. I wish it was more natural and less analytical, but I'll do what I have to do. It's 14 more days. It is so sad tat I just spend all my time waiting. WAITING. I need to live my life.