I guess it is a good day to write. I have chores, but even more than that I have laments and I need to find somewhere where I can organize how I feel. It's hard waking up from a succession of nightmares - it makes the whole day just so emotional. 1. I've mellowed so much with age. I think I've always valued being organized and having plans, but I LOVED being spontaneous just a few years ago. I'd jump up, infect with enthusiasm and GO, and that's how it always was. Whether it was just a dinner with friends or a trip to the beach, I'd always find a way to spice it up. Now I sit at home waiting for my man to return, craving stability yet wanting disorder. I must be confused. It's quarter life crisis after crisis. But you know, back then I wished that I had better impulse control, and I still do, but perhaps I've overdone it. I now feel uncomfortable when things don't go according to plan, and I plan and plan and plan. I see the value in it, I just wish I was a bit more spontaneous. I shall try hard when Ivan comes back. I miss being young, I really do. I miss the things I did when I was young.. but I don't miss being the crazy person I was when I was young. Perhaps I really was bipolar, and now that the dust has settled, I'm just a worrywart. BOO!!! Can't ever have the best of both worlds. I need to find a balance, identify what it is that I want from that time, and try to integrate it into today. I wish it was more natural and less analytical, but I'll do what I have to do. It's 14 more days. It is so sad tat I just spend all my time waiting. WAITING. I need to live my life.

This CHC scandal is really driving me nuts. Let's recognize a few points: 1. The church members are not necessarily gullible nor stupid. It's not as though they were watching Sell-A-Vision and decided that there was something they needed, and therefore they needed to give their money away to CHC. Let's recognise that they could understand for themselves why they were tithing, that they have all the power in the world to tithe whatever amount they wanted, and that they were ultimately responsible for their actions in giving. Nothing wrong with that, we are called to tithe by the bible, and there is a guideline set up in there - if anybody wanted to know this information, all they had to do was look and find out. What I really cannot stand is people now using this to bash on Christians - calling them stupid, gullible, talking about how they'd rather spend their 10%. Yeah, nobody cares how you want to spend your money, stop scrutinizing how other people spend theirs. You may see fit to save it for your trip abroad, we believe in something different. Josephine - ultimate stupidity. Advertising on facebook the horrible things she'd like to do if she wasn't so lazy. She'd like to con emotionally needy people into giving her money and believing in something she knows NOTHING about. By know, I mean understand. It bothers me, the horrible things coming out of people's mouths. But I must remember that God can vindicate himself. What I need to pray for is the country, the people (even the ones saying horrible things and judge judge judging..) and just.. for strength for those facing scrutiny. Lord, please have mercy. Let your goodness endure even in this dark day..

I wish I could live in this movie. It was just an amazing night. Most of all, I wish I could share the way I feel about these things with Ivan, that he would know, and we would connect. But I know that's asking a lot.

I've lost myself. I've lost the one I love and I've lost myself. I feel nothing. I feel nothing in my arms, nothing in my head, nothing in my heart. All I feel is this strange desire to plunge into a large pool of water and to stay down for as long as I can, to push the very limits of my life.

Spare Time

Boss: "So Brynn, what do you do in your spare time?"
Me: "In my spare time? Clean my house."
Boss: "Clean your house?!"

I was only being honest. If he'd asked me what my hobbies and interests were, the answer would have been very different.

[Posted with iBlogger from my iPhone]

I really hate it when people play fast and loose with my time. You make a commitment, a suggestion, an agreement, DON'T back out on me at the last minute, or not even the last minute, PAST the appointed time. It's really frustrating for me when people don't respect my time. Here's how it usually goes.

Let's say I have an appointment at 2 pm, I won't schedule or arrange anything that will not give me about an hour contingency time around that appointment, because shit happens, and I hate making people wait.

Here's this weekend: I asked if friends X&Y were going to Costco so I could tag along. X&Y said they would let me know if they were going, but I knew there was going to be a problem. Y tends to have a problem respecting people's time. Unfortunately, despite what it seems, I have things to do! And I can't go out and do them if I'm expecting that at any moment they might call me and say "oh we're going to Costco right now wanna come" and if I'm downtown or whatever then I miss out, right? Frustrating. And particularly because this isn't the first time this is all happening. Anyway, I get a text last night about going to Costco this morning at 11 am. I reply yes when I see it in the morning. Then 11 am rolls around and nothing.. half an hour later, AFTER THE FACT, I get a text saying she's "not feeling well and they won't go today". Thanks. Thanks. Cos you know, my time is so invaluable it doesn't need to be respected. Like I could have run half a dozen errands by now. You make an appointed time, you KEEP it. Plus like I said, she might really not be feeling well, but that's definitely not the first time.

"Oh yes, I'll meet you there at 3 pm"
"Oh sorry, I'm not feeling well"

Over and over again.

Clocking in my weight.

97.6 pounds, 44.2 kg.

Beach season, yeaaaa....

March 21, 2012

The day that God showed all His grace and glory in my life, that all my fears and anxieties are nothing because He has them all in His hand. The day He showed me that it's really an ordained time for Ivan to go away and for me to be alone because He gae me that job.

I was so excited I cried and cried, then jumped on the bed, then cried, then jumped around the house. Do not forget.

Religiosity versus Relationship with Christ

I really liked Pastor Tim's sermon this past Sunday on what a relationship with Christ really means versus what has become religiosity. He gave us a few categories of relationship with God that exist in today's world, and some religions were put together in the same categories, and some Christians who are also put in other categories. But basically, the crux of the sermon and the message that I received were this: What does a relationship, and a real relationship (not one that you work for, not one where there are merit points or demerit points) with Jesus Christ really mean? He is the good shepherd, and through faith in Him, we have peace. It is the peace of God that keeps us safe, keeps us from wanting to control everything around us and subsequently taking control from others, and it is what keeps us joyful through all obstacles. Real, safe, silent, overwhelming peace! But what is it that I really want to talk about today?

Here's a statement I disagree with. I won't say who said it, that's just not relevant and it's not what I want to talk about.

I should really just focus on school and work and being happy. That’s all that really matters at this point.

Now, focusing on being happy. Something strikes me as not being quite right about that, because in the past, no matter how much I tried to make myself happy, I wasn't. I tried everything. I tried shopping, I tried alcohol, I tried hanging out with friends, I tried pretending I was happy, I tried indulging my every whim and fancy but it just didn't happen! Now, I could go into detail about why I think every single one of those ways didn't do anything for happiness, but I have one simple answer: they were all temporary things. Joy, on the other hand, is a whole other thing. Joy in our Lord and saviour Jesus Christ, is everlasting. What does everlasting mean? FOREVER. All eternity. Through every up and down in life, through every crisis, every earthquake, every earth shaking experience, there is JOY. And if it comes with Peace, well that just takes the cake. There is nothing like having joy through a relationship with Christ, rather than seeking to be happy all the time. Happiness doesn't last. It fades and when it does, it takes away from your life if it does not come from a well that will not dry. It's just too trivial to be happy, I now find. Why be happy when you can be joyful?

Anyway, about H. I have a plan, and I won't talk about it here or now, but I have a plan.

Here is what was said today, in case I need to refer back to it later. I do not know yet if these statements are true or false and will continue to evaluate them as I have time to spend with her.

1. H seems egocentric and selfish.
2. H seems to want to be my friend because she feels that I am worse off than her/that she is a better person or in a better situation than me and feels good about that (aka putting me down to raise herself up).
3. H feels that other people's troubles and situations are less important than hers.
4. H does not seem to respect my beliefs and values as much as I respect hers. Not the same amount of respect is the key here.

My thoughts on "Live and Let Live" and what it means.

Here's the reason why I'm writing about this. Earlier this evening, a friend whom I have recently acquainted myself with, said something about one dear to me. Or at least I believe so, and my instincts about women and their bad feelings are quite accurate. So presupposing that she said what she said specifically about I-n, I also have something to say about what H said.

Context: She has brought me to a pride place for brunch known as The Elbow Room. For obvious reasons, I-n would not be comfortable going there, and the reasons why are less obvious but they are most certainly there. Forcing him to go to such a place would in no way help the situation but probably worsen it. My experience there? It was alright. I was slightly uncomfortable, but enjoyed the experience of being uncomfortable. What really struck me was how much I don't fit into this world, and that has nothing to do with the pride/queer factor but rather the bitchy/say-what-you-want factor. It's not my thing. I do much better in less confrontational and self absorbed places. I am merely being honest. I enjoyed the experience of going there, but it's not a place I love or would love. I-n and H's husband talked about brunch at work, about how we couldn't make it today for brunch, but that Sunday was a contender, after church. I-n told J specifically that that place was a no-go, but whatever the reason the message was not passed on to H, and J actually said that we would be alright to have brunch in The Elbow Room. Anyway, it was discussed today and I said he was not going to be comfortable doing that, and so she wrote back saying "That's too bad, but if he changes his mind you guys can join us there at 1". So it's not about brunch with us, but about brunch at The Elbow Room. There was no offer of brunch at another place.

Later on facebook, this post on her wall: Bigotry makes me want to vomit.

2 things.

1. Commenting about how somebody else's problems has now become a problem that makes you want to vomit is bigotry in its own way. People have their reasons and their own right to whatever they want to feel and what they are comfortable and uncomfortable with. Imposing how you feel on other people, even if you're the "biggest" person on Earth for accepting all the gay people in the world and all the people who have identity crises in the world, not accepting people who have their own opinions and their own ways is bigotry. He may have his own problems and his own issues to work out, but guess what? Those problems are his alone. He affects nobody with it, and his choice not to go and have brunch in a place that makes him uncomfortable? Fine by me. I wouldn't go and have brunch in a place filled with spiders, and that's my choice. It's not your place to judge a decision based purely on good manners.

2. Nothing that any friend of mine ever says will ever make me think less of you. Ever. I might see that you have your issues to work out, but those are not people's problems. Only if they try to help you entirely out of love.

Bad Dreams

Just as I talked yesterday about how I was able to have good dreams of people I used to only have bad dreams about, or only negative feelings about them in my dreams (Azlin, sa gou), I had a terrible dream last night. I only remember two really bad events that happened. I remember getting shot through the chest with an arrow. No, that's not quite right. The arrow shot at my chest, but I was lying down so it pierced my chest but not through it. I can't describe it. It's like where you put on a sling bag and the strap crosses your chest? Anyway, the second really bad thing was that I accidentally killed Nicole. We were standing on top of some structure that wasn't very high and I can't remember why it was my fault but she fell off. I don't even really know if it was my fault but anyway she fell and hit her head and there was a pool of blood. It all really wasn't possible and I was skeptical because all the other people that had died had died the same way, so I stood there saying "really? come on. it wasn't even that high. why does EVERYBODY here have to die like that?" All of a sudden daddy got really angry at me and said "What's wrong with you?! Your sister is dead and you're not even sorry?!"

It was weird. It turned out we were in some kind of virtual real life game, which makes no sense. Basically what that means is that I hadn't saved the game, so all I had to do was reset the system to potentially bring Nicole back to life. Really, the stupidest part was that the "game" was owned by the government, and the machine at which you could buy into the game looked ridiculously like the skytrain ticket machine and the game's reset button was right on the machine. Not even hidden or anything, just on the front and unlabeled. In a moment of panic, I went and pressed the button and immediately this alarm went off because it was an illegal action and basically the government would hunt you down for that. I don't really recall what happened next.

Some other strange things I remember. Betty White, swimming in a muck-like pond with otters, whom I could talk to, and who actually swam up to me to cuddle me like cartoon otters like to do.

I woke up in a panic a couple of times.

OMG!!

OMG!! My dad just said he loves me on the phone!!!

So Nervous

How is it that I am more nervous about practicing my interview skills with May and Tao than I am with the interviewers tomorrow? How is it that I feel I'm going to forget my points the moment I'm asked the questions? HOW CAN I GET RID OF THE BUTTERFLIES IN MY STOMACH AND WHY DOES MY HEAD HURT SO MUCH!!!

Ghosts of the Past

Sometimes, as much as I try to remember that people are not responsible for the sins of their forefathers, specifically war crimes, it's still hard because when you really try to face the reality of what they had done, as a people, sometimes you can't help but feel that someone has to pay. Perhaps all the right people have already paid, and I want to pray that somehow all those who suffered and who were made to suffer are now in heaven with our Lord and Father. It's just very painful to think about all the needless suffering that the people of Nanking went through, and all the evil that manifested in the soldiers of the Japanese. I cannot feel that I hate the Japanese, because those who live now did not choose as their forefathers did. How then, can I feel?

Early on Sunday Mornings...

Ivan does strange Russian dances in the lift. For no reason and out of nowhere.

[Posted with iBlogger from my iPhone]

Things I Treasured as a Child

The moment when I was finally heavy enough to lower one of those office swivel chairs. The day I was allowed to join the older kids' swimming class. Being told I was going to be a leader in the band. Getting a gold at SYF. The Sundays my grandma would come and visit. The special days my dad would cook for the family. Every Christmas and Chinese New Years. Holding my bunny as it slept in my arms in front of the tv. My 10th birthday at that monkey cafe.

[Posted with iBlogger from my iPhone]

Gluten-free peanut butter oatmeal chocolate chip cookies

This recipe turned out really well! I managed to get a nice bag of gluten free oats at a somewhat reasonable price and considering that they'll stay good for a long long time, I think it's well worth the investment. The recipe is largely the same as my normal PBOCC cookies, just short the flour and gluten-free oats but they look and taste pretty much the same. Here's the recipe, courtesy of mennonitegirlscancook.com.

Ingredients

one egg
1/2 cup packed brown sugar
1/2 cup white sugar
1/2 cup butter
3/4 cup peanut butter
1 tsp baking soda
1 tsp vanilla
2 cups oat flakes (Only Oats - gluten-free)

Put all ingredients into the bowl of a heavy-duty mixer and beat until well mixed.

(You may hand mix in 1/2 cup of your own preference of chocolate chips, M&M's, or nuts)

Drop by teaspoon onto cookie sheet and bake at 375' for 15 minutes. Let set for a couple of minutes before removing from pan.

Depending on the oven, 375 degF might be too hot, so I lowered mine to about 350. Even then the cookies took less than 15 minutes, closer to 10 unless you want them really brown. If you prefer more chocolate chips, you can reduce the amount of oats and add your choice of semi-sweet chocolate chips or white chocolate chips. Yum!

Loving this grey and yellow colour palette selection Etsy's presenting.

Why, you ask?

Why did I start this? Simply to have somewhere to write again, whatever I want, whenever I want, about anything I want. I don't want anybody to know about it, and sometimes I have too many thoughts in my head but it's hard to write them all down! My hand doesn't work as fast as my brain and sometimes I just need a pinboard where I can put them all up so I know what my ultimate conclusion is. I'm just going to write again is all.

I need a meme for this.

SO MUCH TO DO, SO LITTLE WILLPOWER!

Laundry, wash and fold.
Kitchen, clean and tidy.
Cookies, mix and bake.
Baby clothes, buy and wrap.
Rat cages, clean and assemble.

Extinctionary

This story is really cool. Bugs that went extinct and were found, and the incredible story about breeding them in captivity. Sometimes these things seem so insignificant, but when you think about how much it means to someone out there, it suddenly makes a lot of sense.